The third movie in the Fifty Shades saga—really, this is a saga—comes out Feb. 9, just in time for ironic Valentine’s Day plans. Thus, I—an entertainment writer and self-respecting lover of terrible movies — have decided it’s high time to finally watch them, taking on Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker in the weeks before the finale comes to theaters so that I’ll be ready when things finally… climax.
If you haven’t read my questions about Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s probably in your own best interest to start here.
Fifty Shades Darker, the second film in the epic Fifty Shades trilogy, takes place a few weeks after the events of the last film, where Anastasia decided to leave Christian when she realized he gets off on hurting her. Now that she’s a college graduate, she has a job as an assistant at a publishing house. That’s where we begin. These movies are the very boring story of a girl getting a job and succeeding improbably in her career, and enjoying a consensual relationship with a man she met and goes on dates with. There’s a subplot where a jealous ex who’s still in love with Christian stalks Anastasia, and where Anastasia’s boss is actually a sexual harassing maniac but no one gets hurt, and both of those issues are pretty easily resolved by Christian being rich and powerful. Also, Christian gets in a helicopter crash but he survives.
Still, just because movies are boring doesn’t mean we don’t have questions about them. Questions like:
How would her boss ever know what sort of tea she drinks with that specificity?
When Ana shows up for her first day of work as the assistant to Jack Hyde, Jack arrives a few minutes after her, bringing tea. “Tea, right?” he says as he drops off the cup. “Weak, black?” Ana thanks him—he got her order right. It is nice for a boss to bring a new employee a hot beverage on their first day of work. It is insane to me that Jack somehow knows not only that she drinks tea, but exactly how she takes it.
In what social circumstance would that information ever be revealed? I have interviewed for several jobs, and not once has the actual person I’m interviewing with asked about my beverage preferences. It is possible she came in to interview for the job and she was offered tea, which she accepted, but it is almost a guarantee in a major publishing house that the person who would have asked her that would have been the receptionist. And why would she specify that she wants her tea weak?
Imagine being 22 and going to a job interview for a position you really want. Someone asks you if you want a cup of coffee or tea. Instead of politely declining, you say yes, and then add specifications.
How does Jack know how she takes her tea?! Maybe he was stalking her on social media, and maybe Ana has a weird thing on Instagram where she describes the strength of the tea she posts (she does seem like the type of girl who would post pictures of her tea), but then the fact that Jack regurgitates that information back at her should have been a major, and early, red flag.
Ana doesn’t even ask him how he knows how she likes her tea. She just floats through life, assuming every older rich man she ever meets knows everything about her in case they want to bring her free things.
Wow, they kept Danny Elfman?
A real question I asked out loud to myself as the opening credits appeared! Yes, Danny Elfman does the score for the Fifty Shades of Grey movies.
Why would Anastasia’s roommate send her a video message?
Ana’s roommate is on vacation with Christian’s brother, whom she’s dating, and she sent Ana a video message just to say hi (and to provide some helpful exposition for the audience as to who she is and what her purpose is in this film).
Never in my entire life have I ever emailed a video message to a friend just to say hi while I’m on vacation or something. This movie came out in 2014: maybe Ana’s roommate would have sent her a Snapchat video. It is surreal to me to imagine that Kate would think, “How best to get in touch with my best friend?” and answered to herself, “I know, a one-way video message!” If she gets internet access to send a video, she has the ability to Skype or FaceTime. Or text!
And how does Kate not know that Ana and Christian broke up? From what we’ve seen, Kate is her only friend. She is close enough with Kate to kiss her on the head, and share sandwiches. She didn’t tell her that the only major relationship in her life ended? Kate’s lack of knowledge is especially weird given she’s dating Christian’s brother. Did Christian not tell his family they broke up either? We know that isn’t true because later in the movie, his mom tells Ana how lost Christian was without her. So why is this person so keen to get in touch that she’ll send video messages but not know basic information about her best friend’s life?
Why does Christian continue to let Anastasia associate with José?
Christian has literally two personality traits: he’s into BDSM, and he’s incredibly protec
