Confession time: I have an unhealthy relationship with Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. I watch Kitchen Nightmares while I do badgeless trial pit runs in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. I watch it while I cook dinner every night. I watch it while I eat dinner every night. Worst of all, I occasionally even watch it while writing my articles. Is that too much Gordon Ramsay? Probably, yeah, but it did give me an idea.
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As I watched Chef Ramsay tear into “the most stubborn owner he’s ever met” for the umpteenth time, in a state near unto culinary euphoria, the sudden realization dawned on me that actually, restaurants in video games could probably use Chef Ramsay’s help, too. Of course, the only logical thing to do at that point was come up with a seven-episode season of television with exactly that premise and put the results on the internet. If Gordon Ramsay had isekai’d himself into video games, these are the seven kitchens that would need his help the most.
7Le Grand Bistro
“You’ve Burned It You Spike-Haired Donkey.”
Looking to leave his culinary mark on Twilight Town, renowned entrepreneur Scrooge McDuck purchased Le Grand Bistro in 2019, entrusting the restaurant entirely to a rat he met somewhere in Paris years prior. Unfortunately, a lack of communication has led to a complete breakdown in the kitchen, and these days, Le Grand Bistro is lucky to have anyone at all on staff, with sous chef Sora treating the business as an optional side mode rather than a full-time job.
What makes Le Grand Bistro interesting from a Kitchen Nightmares standpoint is that when you think about it, nobody even knows Remy’s name in Kingdom Hearts 3. It wouldn’t take long for Chef Ramsay to determine that the business isn’t able to churn out food consistently without a full-sized team, and that Remy’s inability to speak would lead to confusion in the kitchen even if one was implemented. Additionally, Sora’s lack of commitment to the restaurant would lead to quite the confrontation. I can see Sora mistaking Gordon for a Heartless, and a massive battle ensuing during the episode’s climax.
” You’re going off about some silly Heartless or whatever the heck it is, you’ve got a duck doing magic in the corner, your head chef can’t communicate, and the worst part is the food’s been overcooked! It’s not possible for a restaurant to be this fragmented!”
6The Lumpy Pumpkin
“The Food’s Outdated.”
When The Lumpy Pumpkin first opened in the clouds above Hyrule thousands of years ago, it was the talk of Skyloft, and fully booked almost every night. Unfortunately, thanks to a stubborn line of chefs intent on keeping the thousand-year old menu the same, folks these days have grown tired of the outdated menu and poorly maintained decor.
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The Lumpy Pumpkin would be amazing to see on Kitchen Nightmares, because even though they did everything right thousands of years ago, I can see the owners getting defensive and blaming the business’s decline on the drama that ensued when Link destroyed their chandelier for a heart piece rather than the outdated menu. I also can’t see The Lumpy Pumpkin’s kitchen being anything less than an absolute disaster, even in its hayday, so the walk in investigation would probably be a dramatic delight on par with the best the series has to offer. I wonder what they would do if Gordon took down the chandelier?
“You can’t keep holding on to the past when it no longer works! You’ve got to let go!”
5The Maw
“This Isn’t Possible! How Can It Be This Bad?”
Out floating in the open ocean, traditional Japanese eatery The Maw has guests pouring in every day, but egregious portion sizes and a lack of control in the dining room have led to a dinner service that gives away thousands of dollars of food every night in leftovers and damage repairs. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the kitchen’s twin chefs haven’t cleaned in years, and they’re too afraid of the owner’s magical powers to make any changes to the outdated menu.
I haven’t really kept up with the Little Nightmares lore, to tell you the truth. I really liked the first game, but I haven’t checked out the others in the series yet, so I still have no idea if Six is just small or the people of the world are really big. I hope it’s the latter, because you and I both know Gordon could still make The Twins cry in the kitchen even if he was tiny, and I really, really want to see that tiny rampage unfold. I also think it would be interesting to see how he confronts the Geisha about the restaurant’s portion sizes. He’d have his work cut out for him on this one, that’s for sure.
“Is that normal? For the guests to just lunge at a little person like that?”
4Excess Express
“You’ve Got To Take Responsibility.”
Only the richest diners can afford a ticket on the illustrious Excess Express, but the menu at the onboard restaurant has derailed, and the food is nothing short of a train wreck. Despite the small size of the kitchen, the head chef has opted to design his menu around complex dishes and lengthy prep times, and with how long it takes for food to leave the kitchen, the majority of the train’s diners end up going hungry. To make matters worse, the staff are compliant with theft, and the restaurant’s signature dishes are constantly getting swiped.
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Oh boy, this would be fun. The chef onboard the Excess Express is a really kind individual in the game, but that’s only because nobody’s questioned him about the food, if you ask me. I see a fiery confrontation where the head chef makes the usual Kitchen Nightmares excuses about the train movement making the meat taste wrong or everyone’s favorite line: “I’ve never had anybody complain about the food.”
Maybe Chef Ramsay would even go so far as to make the head chef toss the soup out the window while the train’s moving, that would be hilarious.
Also, yes I did make an entire Paper Mario style version of Gordon Ramsay just for this list entry. It took me like an hour. I regret nothing.
“I came here to help save a restaurant, but you’re much more interested in making excuses for sub-par food.”
(Dramatic zoom in on the chef’s face timed to an over-the-top musical cue.)
3Restaurant Le Nah
“I’ve Had Enough! All Of You Come Here!”
Lumios City. Home to the Pokemon world’s best restaurants, this highly competitive metropolis is home to Kalos’ pickiest diners, and struggling French-Italian eatery Restaurant Le Nah is far from the talk of the town. With chefs who would rather battle patrons than serve them food, and kitchen standards below par, Chef Ramsay has made it his mission to turn this cheap dining experience into one to remember.
I couldn’t help it — the place is literally called Restaurant Le Nah — how could I not bring it up? Plus, harsh competition from the other restaurants in the area would make things interesting, since Gordon would have to find a way to keep the menu unique without raising the prices. Plus, I really want to know what kinds of Pokemon they’d cook, and how Gordon would cook them. I’m sorry, I know that’s awful, but like, they do eat Pokemon…you know that, right? Magikarp sushi? Tauros steaks? It’s sad because they’re cute and all but like… I kind of want to eat them.
“You’ve served me week-old spaghetti that reeks of Poke Balls. Fresh food? More like fresh crap.”
2The Crow’s Nest
“Final Fantasy… That’s The Final Time Anybody Eats Here”
Located just inside Coernix Station, this casual seafood eatery has been plagued by complacent staff and low quality ingredients. Now, they’ve all but lost the once loyal local customer base, and rely solely on traveling groups of leather-clad teenagers to make up the cost of their ingredients. Unfortunately, the so-called fresh frozen food isn’t biting with the tourist crowd either.
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Final Fantasy 15 is full of diners that could have made the cut, but I’m including this one because their entire menu is salmon and french fries. I like fish n’ chips as much as the next guy, I suppose, but salmon and french fries just do not belong together. For my personal satisfaction alone, I need Gordon Ramsay to explain this to the staff at The Crow’s Nest. I don’t care if they succeed with a relaunch, I don’t even care if it’s fun to watch. I feel personally attacked by the menu, and somebody needs to fix it. If you like salmon and fries, good for you, but I ain’t buyin’ that. You can’t make me.
“There are certain things in cooking that just don’t go together. You’ve just presented me with two of them.”
1Literally Any Restaurant From Overcooked
“It’s Overcooked!”
I’m not even going to give you a narrator synopsis for this one, every establishment in the entire game is run by bafoons who have no idea what they’re doing. AKA… me and my friends. You couldn’t narrow it down to just one restaurant either, the entire world of Overcooked and its sequel, Overcooked 2, are full of restaurants so dysfunctional that you could probably get an Amy’s Baking Company quality episode out of pretty much any one of them.
I suppose seeing Gordon come face to face with the food-centered apocalypse at the heart of the game’s story would be interesting too, but that’s not what I’m here for. I want the drama, the flames of passion, and the iconic screamed catchphrases of “where’s the lamb sauce?!”, “idiot sandwich” and “it’s raw you donut”. I feel like Overcooked x Gordan Ramsay could theoretically give me that infinitely, but the reason for that is probably just that Overcooked has always been Hell’s Kitchen: The Video Game anyway.
