“Knowing I’ve sold 165 million books doesn’t make it easier.”
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Erika Mitchell, the author better known as E.L. James, is opening up about the “imposter syndrome” she still feels over the success of her Fifty Shades of Grey book series.
“I have imposter syndrome and knowing I’ve sold 165 million books doesn’t make it easier,” she wrote in a column for The Times. “I find it depressing that I can’t shift the self-doubt so I’m in therapy now. I’ve been called courageous but I’m actually quite a coward. I’m a lot braver in my fiction than in real life.”
After publishing Fifty Shades of Grey as an e-book in 2011, the erotic novel became a viral sensation. The franchise follows inexperienced college graduate Anastasia Steele and broody businessman Christian Grey, who introduces her to the world of BDSM. By 2012, the novel had become one of the fastest-selling paperbacks of all time, topping best-seller lists around the world. Mitchell won various book awards that year, and was even named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World.
Years later, all these accolades remain difficult to accept.
Erika Mitchell a.k.a. E.L. James
“The success of Fifty Shades still confounds me,” she said. “I was like a rabbit in the headlights. I didn’t expect such a furore and didn’t deal with it well. I couldn’t sleep and was anxious, especially around the time of the movies.”
Even as critical reception skewed negative, the book spawned a franchise including two sequels to complete the trilogy (Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed) and three companion novels telling the story from Christian Grey’s point of view. There were also a trio of feature film adaptations starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan.
“All I’d done was sit down and write something I’d have wanted to read,” Mitchell said. “An erotic and fun romance. At the heart of my books are the characters and their relationship, which I really care about. End to end bonking would be pretty boring.”
She continued by explaining that even now, she struggles to focus on the positives of her success. “We’re not taught how to be happy, and women in particular get bogged down with the minutiae of life. I’ve just turned 60 and am trying to focus on enjoying my life more, to appreciate time with family and friends. I’d also like to make a movie that I really love.”
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
The author served as a producer on the adaptation of her books, which series star Dakota Johnson previously said contributed to a constant battle for creative control. Johnson recalled that production involved shooting scenes multiple times to get “takes of the movie that Erika wanted to make” along with “the takes of the movie that we wanted to make.”
She added, “There are things that I still cannot say because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s career and I don’t want to damage anybody’s reputation, but both Jamie and I were treated really well. Erika is a very nice woman, and she was always kind to me and I am grateful she wanted me to be in those movies.”
Much like the novels, the movies found their audience. They became a lucrative global smash, with the trilogy grossing over $1.3 billion globally on a reported $150 million combined budget.
