Jackie Harris : [on Roseanne’s new robe from Dan] Oh, my, my, my. Let me feel. Oh boy, that feels fire retardant.
Roseanne Conner : It’s *way* retardant.
Roseanne Conner : [looking in the closet] Hey! I think I found my Mother’s Day present from the kids.
Jackie Harris : You’re not going to open it, are you? It’s two days away.
Roseanne Conner : Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it.
[pulls ugly, fuzzy, pink houseshoes from the box]
Roseanne Conner : Oh man, I should’a opened it a week ago.
D.J. Conner : Here. Happy Mother’s Day!
Roseanne Conner : Oh, lookit, it’s an ashtray with your picture at the bottom.
Darlene : Aww, it’s a shame you quit smoking, you could grind your butts out on his face.
Roseanne Conner : [to Becky and Darlene, after they give their Mom a very nice gift] Man, this must’a cost a lot! Which one of you’s is pregnant?
Roseanne Conner : I got a call from D.J.’s school today because he hasn’t turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.
Dan : Why not?
Roseanne Conner : Well he’s had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.
Dan : [pause] Did I suffer?
Roseanne Conner : No, a sniper shot you.
D.J. Conner : I said I was sorry!
Roseanne Conner : Ever since he got that video game all he’s been doing is goofing off.
Dan : We’re going out to eat.
Roseanne Conner : No, I don’t want to go out with those girls, I just want to eat and go to bed.
Dan : They’re not coming, they’re going to stay here. I’m punishing them, and eating my chili’s just the beginning of the punishment.
Roseanne Conner : …But they hate ME, right?
Dan : Nope, that’s the beauty of it, they hate ME. It’s my Mother’s Day present for you. Now go get dressed.
Roseanne Conner : Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe.
Roseanne Conner : [Darlene and Becky have made Roseanne breakfast] What’s the catch?
Becky : No catch, can’t we do something nice?
Roseanne Conner : I don’t know, you never have.
Roseanne Conner : [after receiving her gift card for a spa treatment] Lookie Dan, the girls bought me a good gift.
Dan : [to DJ] I want to talk to your Mum a second, go bug your sisters.
Roseanne Conner : [upset] Use real bugs.
Roseanne Conner : It was all a set up; they were just trying to get something out of me
[hugs Dan]
Roseanne Conner : why’d they have to do that today?
Dan : [sees Roseanne’s spa hairdo] My God! I’m having a flashback, prom night 1969, and all these years later your hair is still just as wide!
Roseanne Conner : Don’t touch it, Dan, you’ll dent it.
