The very best banter from Blanche, Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia.
No matter how long ago the show may have aired, The Golden Girls will always hold a special place in our hearts. The Golden Girls is considered one of the best-written TV series of all time, and for good reason: the women in this group of girlfriends are each funny, bright, and (somewhat) relatable. No matter which Golden Girl you relate to, this gang gives us all hope for a vibrant and vivacious future of female friendships. Although it’s hard to pick just 65 quotes, we’ve narrowed down the show’s funniest moments guaranteed to make you laugh out loud. Relive the glory days of The Golden Girls with these hilarious quotes from the iconic series, and grab a snack and sit down for a 7-season-long marathon.
01
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Quotes About Looks
Golden Girls Quote About Crying
SOUTHERN LIVING
“Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.” -Blanche
“Well, nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of every devastatingly beautiful woman.” -Blanche
“Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still look so good?” -Blanche
“Flirting is part of my heritage.” -Blanche
“I take very good care of myself. I treat my body like a temple.” –Blanche
“Why don’t I just wear a sign that says, ‘Too ugly to live?'” –Dorothy
“That phony hair color won’t wash out just because you got caught in the rain!” –Blanche
02
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Quotes About Wisdom
Funny Dorothy Golden Girls Quote
SOUTHERN LIVING
“Go to sleep, sweetheart. Pray for brains.” -Dorothy
“People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” -Sophia
“It’s like we say in St. Olaf—Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund’s Day without the headless boy.” -Rose
Dorothy: Rose, what are you listening to? Rose: A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me. Dorothy: Is it working? Rose: Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.
“It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie.” -Rose
“Tell me the truth: Do these glasses make me look stupid?” -Rose
Rose: Can I ask a dumb question? Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.
“Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.” –Sophia
To Sophia: “My mistake. I thought since you look like Yoda you were also wise.” –Blanche
“You know what they say: You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” –Rose
“The bottom line is, in life, sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. But honey, if you don’t take a chance, nothing happens.” –Dorothy
“Please forgive me. It’s not my fault my cousins have been marrying each other for generations.” –Rose
“I think there’s a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.” –Sophia
“Rose, honey…have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?” –Dorothy
“Stanley, you’re one chromosome away from being a potato.” –Dorothy
03
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Quotes About Relationships
Golden Girls Banter Between Dorothy and Blanche
SOUTHERN LIVING
Dorothy: I have a date. Blanche: With a man? Dorothy: No, Blanche. With a Venus Fly Trap.
Rose: Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time. Blanche: Set the scene, have we been drinking?
“I’ve been having a good time, and there wasn’t even a man in the room.” -Blanche
Blanche: Dorothy, what do you think I oughta do with my bed? Dorothy: Put it in the Smithsonian, Blanche. It’s got more miles on it than the Spirit of St. Louis.
“I hate to admit it, but he melts my Häagen-Dazs.” -Rose
“When a 22-year-old girl marries a man who’s 80, chances are she is not after his body.” –Dorothy
“Oh, do you know how many great, late-night talks we’ve had at this kitchen table over cheesecake?” –Dorothy
“I know you don’t get many dates, Dorothy, but stick with what you know.” –Sophia
04
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Quotes About Aging
Golden Girl Quote About Aging
SOUTHERN LIVING
Dorothy: Oh, c’mon Blanche. Age is just a state of mind. Blanche: Tell that to my thighs.
Dorothy: You know what’s young to me now? Forty. Suddenly, forty is young. Blanche: Oooh…aren’t you sweet.
“Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?” -Rose
“After 80, every year without a headstone is a milestone.” -Sophia
“My mother used to say: The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.” -Rose
“Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” -Sophia
“You know my motto. Today could be the last day of your life.” –Sophia
“We not only took care of our old people, we revered them, honored them, put them on a pedestal. ‘Course, that’s how we got to be the broken hip capital of the Midwest.” –Rose
“When a person dies, you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Any idiot knows that.” –Sophia
05
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Quotes About Behaving Badly
Funny Golden Girls Quote About Being Positive
Dorothy: Ma, I have a feeling you’re lying. Rose: Dorothy, be positive. Dorothy: Okay, I’m positive you’re lying.
“No! No, I will not have a nice day!” -Dorothy
Dorothy: You know what your trouble is? Blanche: Of course not.
“Have I given you any indication that I care?” -Sophia
“No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it.” -Sophia
“Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you in anything backless.” -Sophia
“She’s really a very sweet woman. She just doesn’t like to show it.” -Dorothy
“Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?” -Sophia
Rose: Where are you going? Dorothy: To get ice cream or commit a felony. I’ll decide in the car.
“I feel like crawling under the covers and eating a box of Velveeta.” -Rose
“Oh, blow it out your Tubenburbles!” –Rose
“You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.” –Dorothy
“May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off.” –Sophia
Blanche: I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. Dorothy: What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with that guy on his mail route?
06
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Funny Quotes
Golden Girls Quote About Motherhood
SOUTHERN LIVING
“It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” -Dorothy
“I’m not one to blow my own vertubenflugen.” –Rose
“How come whenever my ship comes in, it’s leaking?” –Dorothy
“We have Maalox and estrogen. How many junkies have gas and hot flashes?” –Dorothy
“I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.” –Sophia
“It’s time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.” –Rose
“If the ancient Egyptians could move 20-ton stone blocks to build the pyramids, we can move a toilet.” –Rose
“You come to me if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there’s some grammar you need help with.” –Blanche
“The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?” –Dorothy
“No, it’s me, Rose! I’m just wearing my hair a little differently.” –Rose
“If this sauce was a person, I’d get naked and make love to it.” –Sophia
“You’re a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much!” –Dorothy
See more: ‘The Golden Girls’: Why Was Rue McClanahan Annoyed Before Her Emmy Win?
