Titanic, thereby saving both of their lives and giving them 84 years of blissful nude painting and car fornicating together. Some contend that, had Jack climbed atop the door that carried Rose, his weight would have made the door too heavy, dooming them both. The problem with this theory is that it presupposes that physics is stronger than love, and that is simply not true. The only things stronger than love are enormous blue jewel necklaces and Celine Dion’s key change—and Rose and Jack already had those two things on their side. There was no way gravity would have kept them down.
Yes, even 20 years after its premiere, Titanic continues to fuel debate. Shout “There was room on the door” in a crowded bar and watch the entire place take to fisticuffs. Alas, as the elder Rose knows all too well, we cannot change the past. We can, however, debate it ad nauseam. Armed with the knowledge that there was room on that door *ducks flying chair*, here’s a definitive ranking of Titanic’s characters based on their door-worthiness. If you’re going to be floating in a freezing ocean with someone, best make it someone you like.
Ruth Dewitt Bukater
OMG I’m so torn. On one hand, Ruth is definitely responsible for Trudy’s death, she forced her daughter to marry a man she didn’t love, and she’s the kind of classist jerk you’re probably always fighting with in the comments section. On the other hand: She had the gall to ask, “Will the lifeboats be sorted according to class?” which is the sort of nonsense we’d totally applaud a Real Housewife for today. Still…no door.
William Murdoch
Though James Cameron apologized for taking liberties with Murdoch’s character (since eyewitnesses confirm that he actually acted heroically) after the fact, the movie version of the first office was no good. Neither he nor his fictional counterpart gets any room on any door of mine. No. Door.
Spicer Lovejoy
Ugh. This dude. What a waste of a fanciful name. Cal’s murderous henchman is a real pain in the behind, constantly chasing Jack and Rose and generally being a killjoy instead of a lovejoy. Second worst Spicer I can think of. No door for him.
Caledon Hockley
On one hand: What a jerk. On the other hand: What a babe. One of the tragedies of Titanic is that Cal and Rose just aren’t suited for each other and he doesn’t seem to get that. So it’s not super surprising that he gets furious when his fiancée leaves a nude drawing of herself in his safe. These two need better ways of communicating. Maybe some time spent on a door hashing it out would have helped.
The Countess of Rothes
Fashion icon. Diva. Celine Dion lookalike. Deserves door room for her plumed fascinator game alone.
