Spoiler: One wears flannel. The rest wear regret.
It’s a question no one asked…
But now that you’ve seen it, you absolutely need the answer:
What would happen if we dropped TV’s most iconic detectives into the middle of the woods—no phones, no backup, no five-star hotels—just trees, secrets, and raw survival?
In one corner: Colter Shaw, Tracker’s emotionally scarred, hyper-competent human compass.
In the other: TV’s best detectives, each with a badge, a brilliant mind, and absolutely no idea how to build a fire.
Let’s see who survives.
Let the Detective Forest Fight Royale begin.
🌲 Round 1: Sherlock Holmes (BBC Version)
Gear: Overcoat, snark, nicotine patch
Strengths: Observation, deduction, ego
Weaknesses: Nature, humility, physical exertion
Sherlock shows up already annoyed.
Within 20 minutes, he’s monologuing to a tree stump about moss patterns while dehydrating dramatically.
He sees Colter and mutters:
“Clearly suffering from childhood trauma. Not the point.”
Verdict: Would identify a murder, insult a squirrel, then collapse in a heap of existential dread.
Survival Rating: 3/10
🌲 Round 2: Olivia Benson (Law & Order: SVU)
Gear: City smarts, trench coat, serious jawline
Strengths: Empathy, leadership, stare that could make a bear apologize
Weaknesses: No bug tolerance
Olivia would try to organize everyone into teams.
Colter, of course, would already be tracking footprints, finding missing hikers, and emotionally dismantling a deputy ranger.
She’d be frustrated.
He’d be distant.
They’d probably respect each other deeply but part ways due to “philosophical differences on backpack strategy.”
Verdict: Makes it to the end, but only if someone brings hand sanitizer.
Survival Rating: 6/10
🌲 Round 3: Columbo
Gear: Crumpled coat, one-liners, “just one more thing…”
Strengths: Underestimated genius, disarming awkwardness
Weaknesses: Would immediately ask a raccoon for directions
Columbo would wander around like he’s lost, trip on a log, then accidentally expose a decades-old forest crime ring.
He’d confuse Colter by calling him “kid” and offering a boiled egg.
But somehow, he’d leave the woods with a confession and a new friend.
Verdict: Confuses the forest into revealing its secrets.
Survival Rating: 8/10
🌲 Round 4: Jessica Fletcher (Murder, She Wrote)
Gear: Cardigans, typewriter energy, murder vibes
Strengths: Intuition, wholesome menace
Weaknesses: 80s footwear, deer
Jessica walks into the forest and immediately deduces three hidden crimes, two lies, and the fact that Colter is “running from more than just criminals.”
They share a quiet moment over pine needles and broken hearts.
Then she disappears into the mist.
Verdict: The forest bends to her will.
Even Colter’s like, “How did she get here before me?”
Survival Rating: 10/10 (witchcraft suspected)
🌲 Round 5: Monk
Gear: Hand wipes, phobias, neurotic charm
Strengths: Ridiculous attention to detail
Weaknesses: Literally everything outdoors
Monk arrives.
Panics at bugs.
Cries at mud.
Still solves five mysteries just by glancing at a caterpillar’s walking pattern.
He sits on a rock and whispers:
“This tree is judging me.”
Colter tries to help. Monk screams at the smell of pine. They part ways.
Verdict: Would survive only by sheer logic and viewer pity.
Survival Rating: 4/10
🌲 Final Round: Colter Shaw (Tracker)
Gear: Backpack. Compass. Regret.
Strengths: Wilderness survival, emotional sonar, deep stare
Weaknesses: Therapy avoidance, overly intense silences
Colter doesn’t need instructions. He is the instruction manual.
While others panic at squirrels, he’s:
-
Made a fire.
-
Found a missing person.
-
Confronted someone’s guilt.
-
Had a flashback.
-
Built a shelter out of fern leaves and father issues.
He doesn’t just survive.
He becomes legend.
Survival Rating: 1000/10. Also possibly immortal.
🏆 Final Rankings
| Detective | Survival Rating | Nature Compatibility | Emotional Baggage |
|---|---|---|---|
| Colter Shaw | 1000/10 | He is the forest | 12/10 |
| Jessica Fletcher | 10/10 | Supernatural | 1 tea’s worth |
| Columbo | 8/10 | Unaware but fine | Crumpled paper |
| Olivia Benson | 6/10 | Wipes feet on pinecones | Deep, managed |
| Monk | 4/10 | Phobic | Luggage set |
| Sherlock Holmes | 3/10 | Allergic to air | Victorian levels |
Final Thought
If the world ever ends and all of humanity must be tracked, rescued, and emotionally repaired by someone…
It better be Colter Shaw.
The others may be brilliant detectives.
But only one of them knows how to turn a squirrel’s shadow and a snapped twig into a full case file—and still look great doing it in flannel.
📺 Watch Tracker on CBS Sundays or stream on Paramount+. Also: pack snacks and maybe a compass—you never know when you’ll need to emotionally navigate your life through the woods.
