The title Home Improvement suggests one thing: our patriarch is quite the handyman. Leaky faucets. Faulty doorbell wiring. This guy can fix anything around the house. That is, anything except… his dysfunctional family?!?! In this week’s Dad Grades, we take a look at Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.
STRENGTHS
Tim Taylor and his loving wife, Jill, have three boys: Mark, the youngest, a precious target of sibling torment. Randy, the middle child, a mischievous brainiac. And Brad, the oldest, a jock obsessed with girls. Like, really obsessed. Seriously, he should’ve been the one named Randy.
Due to Brad’s traditionally masculine inclinations, he and Tim bonded quite effortlessly. Usually covered in Hot Rod grease. Although he often had to feign enthusiasm for the interests of Randy and Mark, he made great effort in maintaining strong relationships with all three of his sons.
What was the key to cultivating strong relationships with a trio of teenage sons? Communication. And what means of inter-male communication has withstood the test of time more than grunting?
Ogh ogh indeed, Tim. Well done.
WEAKNESSES
Okay. Time to get serious. Tim Taylor was walking liability. A madman, insatiable in his futile quest for more power.
Oh, nice, the dishwasher exploded. Wasn’t performing to your industrial-grade standards, and now there’s shrapnel embedded in the kitchen wall.
Imagine if Brad had walked in the kitchen at that moment.
Gets blinded by a shattered wine glass.
Has to quit soccer.
Loses his UCLA scholarship.
Then one day a brilliant prosthetist comes along and makes Brad a pair of artificial eyes.
Brad regains his vision.
Tim decides they could use more power.
Brad’s head explodes, blinding Randy.
VERDICT
Tim was a loving, attentive father, always eager to share a hearty grunt or touching garage-talk with his growing boys. However, we refuse to let this overshadow the fact he was a potential safety hazard to himself and everyone around him. Everything Tim Taylor touched sparked, caught fire, or went kablammo. Sure, probably not his fault. Probably grunted at some mysterious old lady and was subsequently cursed with a lifetime of bad luck. We don’t know. But we do know that no neighbor should have to rebuild their fence that often.
FINAL DAD GRADE: C-
