Bea Arthur’s Dorothy dished out some great burns throughout The Golden Girls that were both equal parts funny and cutting. Here are her shadiest.
The Golden Girls was a breath of fresh air for television in the ’80s -and remains a timeless classic of modern programming- thanks to its bold look at women in their “golden years” and an important beacon of sardonic wit; Dorothy Zbornak. Played with acidic aplomb by Bea Arthur, Dorothy became the objective observer in whom the audience placed its faith, awaiting each new barb with giddy anticipation.
Dorothy’s commentary grounded the shenanigans of the show, and whether she was making a zinger out of one of Blanche’s sex stories, lamenting her mother’s antics, or putting Rose on blast for being one fish short of a smelt kabob, her lines were both deeply cutting and hilarious.
“My mother survived a light stroke, which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.”
After Shady Pines burned down and Sophia came to live with Dorothy, the pair had to adjust to cohabiting. Without the restrictions of her assisted living facility, Sophia was more of a terror than ever and caused no end of mischief for Dorothy.
Dorothy often had to explain away her mother’s errant behavior and the reasons for their living situation, in one case excusing it on a “light stroke”, in the hopes that no one would accuse Dorothy of negligence.
“Rose I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars bars are made right here on Earth!”
When Rose is put in charge of a banquet, one of her tasks is trying to determine what entrees to serve. She happily discovered that “Alaskan salmon” can be served locally in Florida, and they won’t have to travel to Alaska to eat it, which gets more of a rise out of Dorothy than her usual St. Olaf stories.
In complete seriousness she informs Rose that she’s got even bigger news than that – despite being called “Mars bars”, the famous candy bars are not in fact made on Mars, but locally on Earth (to Rose’s bewilderment).
“I could get herpes listening to this story!”
When the girls are stuck together on Christmas Eve, Blanche decides to reunite them with the story of how she met the love of her life, George. The story is long and meandering, with Blanche recounting each man she spent time with during the Christmas Eve dancing before meeting her future husband.
After Blanche mentions a new man entering the story, the girls naturally believe he’ll be George, but with each passing man they realize with so many partners, it could be quite a while before George makes his grand entrance. Finally, after the fifth man in a night, Dorothy had enough.
“Where’d you go to college, Blanche? The University of Saint Jupiter?”
When the promise of a beach party looms, the girls decide to get into shape in all sorts of ways. They recall all their different attempts throughout the years, which only helped them gain solidarity, not lose any weight. Blanche in particular begins obsessing about her weight, especially after Sophia announces she only weighs “98 pounds”. Blanche recalls that the last time she weighed so little must have been when she was in college.
Dorothy doesn’t believe a word of it, and wonders if she went to “the University of St. Jupiter”? Because of its size and gaseous makeup, the surface gravity of the planet Jupiter is 2.4 times what it is on Earth. Weighing 98 pounds on Earth would mean weighing 238 pounds there.
“Oh my God, they’re tearing down Mattress World?!”
When Blanche’s grandmother’s plantation is set to be demolished she’s almost inconsolable and goes into the kitchen to find solace from Dorothy. She can’t believe that “the most historical building in the history of the Devereaux family” is being torn down.
Naturally, Dorothy thinks this illustrious building must be “Mattress World” considering all the time Blanche entertains gentlemen callers in her room. Blanche isn’t the least bit amused at Dorothy’s implicate and vows to defend her Grammy’s plantation even if she has to chain herself to its columns.
“In what, Blanche, dog years?”
When Blanche is asked out by a younger man, she’s excited about the possibility of being seen as youthful and energetic. She only becomes concerned about dating Dirk when she realizes eventually she’s going to need to come clean about her age to him. In the meantime, she tries to comfort herself by wearing more revealing outfits and working on her tan.
When she finally comes to Dorothy for advice, she explains that “strictly off the record” Dirk is actually “five years younger” than she is, and it’s beginning to worry her. Dorothy doesn’t miss a beat and asks her if perchance her years are in canine calculation.
“And it looks like somebody poured about 90 minutes of extra sand into the glass.”
All the girls are concerned with their health and try to keep trim, but Blanche’s vanity precludes her from keeping quiet about it, to the point of her constant bragging being insufferable. She happily explains to the girls that she’s never had a problem maintaining her “hourglass figure” while Rose measures her for an outfit.
Dorothy looks her up and down from the couch and rolls her eyes, observing that from where she’s sitting, Blanche’s body looks as though someone poured an extra “90 minutes” left of sand into the hourglass to give her the shape she has.
“So how far back do you want to go, Blanche? Do you still want to be able to vote?”
It’s no secret Blanche has an idealized picture of the antebellum South in her mind and misses the romantic components of the fantasy. She listlessly despairs that the modern era is missing chivalrous acts like men opening doors for women, and helping them down from carriages.
When she keeps recciting different aspects of the bygone period’s Southern charm, Dorothy can’t help but wonder how far back she wants to go, and if her idyllic era includes a woman’s right to vote?
“You know it’s amazing. Beneath that thin veneer of superficiality somehow miraculously there is another even thinner veneer.”
When Blanche is upset because her date canceled her evening plans, Dorothy is actually supportive and wants to know if the man meant something special enough to make Blanche so depressed. That support turns quickly frosty when Blanche declares that while her date wasn’t special, he might have taken her somewhere to meet someone that was.
Horrified, yet not exactly surprised by what she’s heard, Dorothy goes on to say that beneath Blanche’s “thin veneer of superficiality”, another “even thinner veneer” rests just below the surface.
“When they defrost Walt Disney, you’ll have someone to go out with.”
In order to keep up with her much younger boyfriend, Blanche starts taking a daily array of vitamins and supplements. Dorothy can’t help but become involved with Blanche’s new routine, looking perturbed as her roommate wolfs down fish oil with smoothies.
Blanche declares that she’s getting “younger every day” with her new regiment, something that Dorothy says is actually a good thing. Not because Blanche will eventually be in the same age bracket as her boyfriend, but because when Walt Disney is unfrozen, he’ll have someone to date.
