Everywhere you looked over the past few months, there was some sort of news about Fuller House, Netflix’s reboot of the T.G.I.F. classic, Full House. That show, which is basically a more saccharine Three Men and a Baby, ran from 1987 to 1995 and gave us such catchphrases as, “You got it, dude,” “How rude,” “Have mercy,” and “The Olsen twins are billionaires.” Actually, that last one isn’t a catchphrase so much as a reality of life that we’ve all come to accept.
Millennials love them some nostalgia, though. We’re precious as fuck about our youth and we love nothing more than talking about shows we watched during our formative years. We will also click through many GIFsticles about this topic on sites that rhyme with Fuzzbeed and we’ll take infinite quizzes to find out if we’re more like Stephanie, D.J., or Michelle. (I’m a D.J.) We do it on Refinery29 as well, because it’s really fun to talk about the TV shows that shaped our identities.
The nostalgia obsession has actually led production companies and networks to reboot several popular shows and movies from our youth, like Disney did with Boy Meets World — another T.G.I.F. classic that’s been revived as Girl Meets World. We’re also getting an all-female Ghostbusters, more Gilmore Girls, and The X-Files just returned.
And now, after months of teasing, trailers, and talk, we’re finally getting season 1 of Fuller House. And oh my goodness, is it terrible. No, really; it will actually depress you to watch it. You will ask yourself the following questions during the pilot and second episode, both of which I subjected myself to, so you don’t have to:
1. Was the original this bad?
2. No, really, was Full House this terrible and I just didn’t realize because I was a child whose standards for television were much, much lower?
3. Why are all of the jokes so sexual? Did Stephanie (Jodie Sweetin) really just say, “My eyes are up here” and “I know this might look like lunch, but this Dairy Queen is closed,” while she was holding D.J.’s (Candace Cameron Bure) baby at chest-level and wearing an extremely revealing top?
4. I remember there being family sing-alongs and group dancing, but were they this annoyingly self-aware about it on the original? Is there any way it can feel more organic and less “WE KNOW WE ARE DOING THIS FOR AN AUDIENCE THAT SITS IN OUR LIVING ROOM AND LAUGHS AT OUR ANTICS AND ISN’T IT CUTE?!”
5. While I’m on the topic of breaking the fourth wall, did they have to straight-up slam the Olsen twins this way? Here’s how they acknowledge Michelle’s (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) absence:
Stephanie strolls into the house after some time away in England, where she’s been trying to make it as a DJ. (She goes by the name of DJ Tanner, isn’t that hilarious?) Anyway, Stephanie asks where Michelle is. Danny (Bob Saget) responds that Michelle is in New York, running her fashion empire.
It’s extremely on-the-nose, because we all know that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen really do run a fashion empire. They’re extremely good at it and they’ve even got the CFDA awards to prove it. Regardless of whether the Olsens could predict what a treacly mess Fuller House was going to be when they were asked to be involved, they decided to opt out. The cast should respect them for their decision.
Does Stephanie simply nod and move onto her next line? Nope. The entire family — Stephanie, D.J., Danny, Joey (Dave Coulier), Becky (Lori Loughlin), and Jesse (John Stamos) — has now assembled in front of the kitchen island, where devoted fans of the series will remember the cast taking its final bows when Full House ended in 1995. They turn directly to the camera and deliver looks that say, “Those twins we raised up from infants when their mother was killed by a drunk driver couldn’t even make the time or effort to come pack up the house? They don’t write. They don’t call. They don’t text. They don’t send us free pieces from The Row or Elizabeth & James. Can you believe this shit?”
