Why you shouldn’t watch Titanic on Valentine’s Day

While embarrassing to admit as an entertainment journalist, until last year, I had never watched Titanic the whole way through.

I’d caught the odd 20-minute snippet of Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio running about the boat on ITV2 over the years, but would usually abandon ship in an ad break, either hungry, tired, distracted or embarrassed (Rose’s sweaty hand slapping that steamed-up car window was my teenage cue to abandon family movie night).

Of course, I was well-versed in Titanic references. “I’m the King of the World” was regularly shouted from the top of my school’s climbing frame. “Draw me like one of your French girls” was guaranteed to get a laugh whenever splayed out in someone’s uni room, reluctant to return to the library. I even sent the “it’s been 84 years” meme to a friend at one point and felt like an utter fraud whilst typing out a vaguely amusing caption to go with it.
So on Valentine’s Day 2022, when my boyfriend suggested we end the night with a viewing of James Cameron’s epic romance, I thought it was finally time to give Titanic my full attention. After all, the three-hour film featured in countless listicles on Valentine’s Day flicks, ranking alongside Sleepless in Seattle, Bridget Jones’s Diary, The Notebook and other films I have a fondness for. Jack and Rose are such legendary star-crossed lovers, you can say their incredibly ordinary names with no context and everyone knows you’re talking Titanic – so surely the Oscar-winner was going to be a safe pick for the most romantic day of the year?

Much like Billy Zane’s Cal when he said, “God himself could not sink this ship”, I was wrong. My boyfriend and I were the blissfully ignorant guests aboard the ill-fated boat and 1997’s Titanic was the iceberg that absolutely wrecked what had thus far been a lovely evening – and all I can do now is stop others from making the same mistake we did.
The first half of Titanic was absolutely delightful. Leo and Kate galloping across the deck of a 20th century ship, hiding their heart-warming tryst from the rest of the DeWitt Bukater family and Rose’s punchable fiancé – what’s not to enjoy? However, by hour two, the anxiety was setting in as the glacial killer comes into play and by the third hour, I was inconsolable. My face was sodden with tears as I sobbed uncontrollably, my boyfriend watching on, initially amused but eventually concerned. It really wasn’t a Valentine’s Day vibe.

Don’t get me wrong, I was very aware of how this film was going to end. I knew the real-life Titanic didn’t complete its maiden voyage and that the fictional Rose and Jack couldn’t both successfully fit on that floating door (despite the numerous internet theories that suggested otherwise). In fact, the whole plot had pretty much been spoiled for me as a child by Disney’s The Suite Life on Deck, which parodied the film with its 2008 episode ‘The Kidney of the Sea’. However, I wasn’t expecting to James Cameron to destroy me to the extent that he did.

The tragic end to Jack and Rose’s relationship was just the tip of the emotional distress iceberg. From the old couple holding one another in bed as water engulfed the ship and the orchestra playing ‘Nearer my God To Thee’ as chaos unfolded around them, to the two children being tucked up in bed, completely unaware they’re about to drown – the build-up to the boat’s horrific demise ruined me. By the time Rose shakily whispered, “I’ll never let go, Jack,” both myself and my boyfriend had thrown out our hopes of ending the evening on a high, much like the wrinkly Rose did with the Heart of the Ocean.

So please heed my warning – steer clear of Titanic if you want a romantic Valentine’s Day and watch something a bit more light-hearted. Alternatively, if you’re in need of a cathartic cry, James Cameron’s epic might just be the one for you.