Every time I watch “The Golden Girls,” I discover something—like the fact that Sophia’s brother, Angelo, and father are played by the same person (actor/comedian Bill Dana), or “getting” one of the girls’ many dirty jokes told over the course of the series that went right over my head as child (and as a 20-something; seriously I didn’t get this joke about being able to “walk in October” until I was a junior in college).
Another something I discovered was that a person, with a well-trained eye, can determine which season of “The Golden Girls” she’s watching by examining the nuanced hairstyles donned by Bea Arthur/Dorothy Zbornak. Fa realz.
Betty White’s hair stayed practically the same during the entire series, so if you want to use her as a guide to what season you’re watching, may God be with you. Estelle Getty wore different wigs, and I’m guessing the show’s stylist(s) just picked whichever wig was (literary) within arm’s reach for each episode? It’s kind of random. And Rue McClanahan did what she wanted to with her hair because she was a fashion boss.
But Bea? Bea was all like, “I don’t have time for constant hair changes. Pick one style per season and stick with it for all 20-plus episodes—‘cause I’m Bea ‘effin Arthur and I run this.” (She really said that, by the way.)
So let’s take a look at that hair.
Season 1 (1985-86)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Wanting-to-let-go-of-Maude-but-can’t-so-distracting-viewers-with-shorter-and-grayer-hair Fierceness.
Season 2 (1986-87)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Less-bangs-but-still-the-shiznit-this-season Hotness.
Season 3 (1987-88)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Hair-that-doesn’t-move-but-I-don’t-care-and-I-still-loathe-my-cheating-ex-husband Realness.
Season 4 (1988-89)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: I’ve-been-getting-laid-like-crazy-lately-so-I’m-gonna-part-my-hair-on-the-side-because-that’s-hot Sexiness.
Season 5 (1989-90)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: Longer-hair-after-four-seasons-don’t-care Fabulousness.
Season 6 (1990-91)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: I’ve-stepped-out-of-the’80s-and-into-the-‘90s-so-I-need-to-add-more-curl-in-my-swirl-to-stay-on-trend Sassiness.
Season 7 (1991-92)
What This Hairstyle’s Giving Me: It’s-the-final-season-and-I-wanna-go-out-with-a-bang-therefore-I’m-gonna-give-you-big-hair-all-up-in-yo-face Boldness.
Now, go look at the entire “Golden Girls” series and try not to learn which season you’re watching by observing the hair that is Bea Arthur’s. Trust me—you can’t.
